1994

The last single of the album was In Your Room, released on 10 January.
The single version of In Your Room is the Zephyr Mix (remixed by Butch Vig, additional guitars by Doug Erikson). It is radically different from the original version on the album. Other versions of the songs are the Apex Mix (remixed by Brian Eno and Markus Dravs), the Jeep Rock Mix (remixed by Johnny Dollar and Portishead), the Extended Zephyr Mix and a live version. B-sides were the Adrenaline Mix of Higher Love (remixed by François Kevorkian and Goh Hotoda) and some live versions of other songs.
Martin: "The worst memory about In Your Room is the making of the video. We spent a whole day in the studio filming and I probably had lunch at some point, but it was just something really small, like half a sandwich. We finished filming at about 8 o'clock, and went back to the hotel and I forgot to eat. We went to the bar and I didn't eat ... We went out to a club,[1] met some guy who gave me some stuff, so I was up all night until probably 9 or 10 in the morning. We had a band meeting at 12 o'clock and I managed to sleep for about an hour. Then I got up and I've never felt so dreadful in my life. I managed to literally crawl to this meeting, I had to lay on the floor just saying 'Yes' or 'No', that was all I could muster.[2] And that was when I went into a seizure. So whenever I see this video, I just think, 'Oh, God' ... It brings back terrible memories."[3]
As indicated in the articles of 1993, Martin had some seizures on tour (he said it had been just two) as well as panic attacks.
The video for In Your Room wasn't broadcasted by MTV America because of its BDSM reference. Furthermore, Anton Corbijn cut in scenes from former videos because he thought it might be the last video with Dave. Obviously, Corbijn was more familiar with drug abuse and its consequences and saw that Dave was in a really bad condition.

Alan: "We would usually reach a consensus to form a short-list of potential singles. For example, Higher Love was on this list for the SOFAD singles but never made it and there were differences of opinion about in which order they should appear. Dave felt very strongly that Condemnation should have been the first single but he was out-voted. I wanted Walking in My Shoes as a second single and got my way but I really wanted the original version of In Your Room [instead of the Zephyr Mix]. This is all a good example of the problems of democracy - somebody usually ends up disappointed."[4]

I've been asked very often about the meaning of the lyrics of In Your Room. This is a really difficult question. On the one hand, it's quite obvious. The lyrics seem to have a BDSM reference. Your favourite slave is in the hands of a person whose will is absolute. The point people are confused about is that Martin said it is about sitting in a child's room. But there isn't any real reference to it in the lyrics. For example "your burning eyes cause flames to arise" doesn't suit a child at all.
Maybe Martin had the IDEA for this song while sitting on the bed of his eldest daughter (who was a baby when he wrote the song), but the lyrics turned out differently. Lines like "only you exist here" and "living on your breath" might refer to a situation sitting on the bed of a child watching it sleeping and breathing. In this moment all your concentration is focused on the child. Maybe he connected this experience with a BDSM-situation which is quite similar because the concentration of the "sub" (slave) is focused on the "top" (master). He is watching every single move and is hanging on your words.



In Your Room

(In Your Room - with friendly permission of © Wojciech Welc)



On 9 February the next leg started, called "Exotic-Tour" this time. Until 19 April the band played 28 concerts in South Africa, Australia, Asia as well as Latin- and Southamerica.
Fletch: "That trip to South Africa was very memorable for us. We had all of our rehearsals in Cape Town and were in the country for six weeks."[5]
But it wasn't a good trip on the whole.
In February Alan's wardrobe was stolen. "Considering the building was securely locked and patrolled by guards, we concluded that it must have been an 'inside job'. I lost about £10,000 worth of clothing, some very personal bits and pieces and of course most of my stage outfits which had to be re-made."
He himself had to have an operation to remove kidney stones in the same month.
There were different opinions about a second U.S. leg that introduced added tension. Alan was one of those who were for this additional leg. "The second leg should take in outdoor venues (sheds) which attract a summer crowd and are very different to the indoor arena shows. Actually, Dave also wanted to do another leg and the others didn't object at the time."
Contradictory to the statements before and after Devotional that he had no intention of touring anymore and to the rumours he wanted this second leg because he knew it would be the last thing he would do with the band, he said, "I didn't think about it being the last time touring for me as I didn't decide to leave the band until 18 months later."[6]
True, but he also said once that he had begun thinking about leaving the band during the recording of SOFAD, respectively during Devotional, but as it has been mentioned before it was probably on his mind for longer, although it wasn't a real decision.

Allegedly Dave and Alan told Martin that they couldn't bear Fletch's depressions any longer.
Martin: "It was very difficult. Andy's been my closest friend since we were twelve. But, for the others, he'd become unbearable. I justified it by thinking that it would be better for him if he went home and got professional advice."
But Fletch also wanted to go home, having had enough of the tour. So in March it was decided that Fletch would leave the tour, to be replaced on stage by long-term friend and companion of the band, Daryl Bamonte.
Fletch: "With the targets, the deadlines, the partying, the excess, I just lost it. I had an obsessive-compulsive disorder which made me displace this stress into worries about bodily symptoms. This sounds terrible, but I thought I had a brain tumour. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think, this headache wouldn't go away. I had tests. It wasn't a brain tumour, it was a breakdown."[7]
Allegedly Fletch left the tour saying he would never go on tour with Alan again. This quotation isn't confirmed and it's not known if there was a special incident to which he referred. Maybe it was just because of his illness. Maybe it was because of some of Alan's cynical remarks.
Alan's later statement that "there are things that better never come to day-light" according to a biography, might refer precisely to those arguments.

The others still tried to remain diplomatic. When asked how the band members are, Dave replied, "Really good."
Some persistent questioning resulted in the admission "Andy will not be playing with us for the rest of the tour. He's in New York at the moment. He's not been feeling well and his wife's about to have their second baby and he's got to sort some stuff out so he won't be doing it.[8] Being away from the people you want to be with for a long while probably had a lot to do with Fletch's feelings."[9]
(Fletch's and Grainne's son Joseph was born on 22 June.)
Alan: "While everyone else was sunning themselves on the beach and enjoying a well-earned rest, Daryl and I spent a week cooped up in a hotel room in Hawaii where I taught him the entire set. He subsequently played it perfectly for the rest of the tour - pretty good eh, considering he'd hardly ever played a keyboard before in his life."[10]
One could see this as a mocking remark at Fletch, and maybe this is an example of those things that made Fletch feel that Alan was the one who was unbearable.


trennlinie


On 12 May the last leg of the tour started in Sacramento - without Fletch. Altogether 34 concerts were played.
According to rumours, the relationships got worse and worse, and meetings ended in scuffles (although the reasons are unknown). Further on, Dave, being totally stoned, allegedly bit a journalist in the neck.
No rumours are that there were separate limousines and separate hotel floors.
Martin: "That was a practical necessity in case individual band members threw raucous parties"[11] - like the Berlin aftershow party which ended in a police raid and a ban from the Intercontinental hotel. - "We lost the plot. But it's really difficult for us, at our level, to just decide to do a few key dates around the world. I think those extra 30 to 40 gigs were the straw that broke the camel's back." (laughs)
Fletch: "The intensity of the partying had gone to a new stage. It had just been steadily getting worse and worse and worse and worse, until on that tour in particular it was just one huge party. Every night. Martin says he only went to bed early one time on the whole tour."
Martin: "About 12. You don't get offstage usually 'til 10.30, 11, so to get to bed by 12 you've really achieved something there."[12]

Alan: "What people have heard about that tour is all pretty much true. Everyone was indulging in their own thing, sometimes with destructive results but it's all part of the private way you deal with such a bizarre and unreal world. Of course, everybody was concerned about Dave's welfare but addicts are notoriously difficult to dissuade from their cause unless they themselves really want to change. At the time Dave wasn't in that frame of mind and therefore any advice given to him fell on deaf ears. In spite of all these things, there were loads of good moments too. Not only was it the most successful tour with some of the best shows we'd ever played, but personally, I can't see what all the fuss is about - I had a great time. The myth that has been building up around the second U.S. leg of the Devotional tour seems to be now fully out of control. It wasn't really any more 'rock 'n' roll' than any other DM tour over the years - everyone had their own little 'on tour' world which existed alongside a fully professionally run live show."[13]
Dave: "What we discovered was that we enjoyed playing together this time more than any other time before. We pulled everything together and decided not to be so separated on the stage. We wanted to get rid of some of the theatrics and be less of a big, swamping show. I think now at the moment we're having a lot of fun. I think we've been having more fun on stage this time then we've ever had before. Everything seems a lot more organic and a lot more powerful."[14]
I don't think it was just a phrase. I think Devotional really had different facets - the debauchery, the fun, the suffering, the tensions and the great and professional show.



Judas

(IF - Is simplicity best or simply the easiest ... Mit freundlicher Genehmigung von © Laura Bâlc)



Nevertheless, over the course of time Dave increasingly presented a picture of misery when he danced or rather staggered over the stage, stoned and just being skin and bones. But when you listen to bootlegs of the time, the concerts were amazing. Some people say that Dave's voice suffered more and more from his drug consumption, but I don't agree that it was really weak or broken. The set on the Exotic-Tour was very dynamic and full of energy, with a lot of amazing, dynamic live versions.
On 18 July 1994 the insanity reached an end, at least as far as the tour was concerned. Whether Dave fell off the stage or wanted to do stage diving is unclear, anyway he crashed against the barrier during the encore, breaking two ribs and suffering internal bleeding. He was so stoned and drunk that it took 24 hours until he realised what had happened. He was told to stay in hospital for a couple of days but he didn't want to. Instead, he and Theresa rented a little hut at Tahoe Lake in California. It's almost funny that this happened at the last planned concert, so no gig had to be cancelled because of it.
It's not known if the rest of the band was really aware of what had happened to Dave. They enjoyed themselves with some last gig pranks -
Alan: "Jez Webb - the guitar tech. - emerged, to my surprise, from the shell of the piano during Somebody. Another favourite was when someone dressed as a cleaner came on stage and started sweeping the floor - during a dramatic point in the show."
- and had "an end of tour party at St. Andrew's Hall in Detroit that was pretty much on a par with the reputation the band had acquired (at least all the standard Depeche Mode requirements were met - scantily-glad girls, erotic dancers, Martin dressed as a woman)."[15][16]

As for the reasons how it could have come to this exaggerated excess (and especially to the breakdown of all relationships), you'll find very little in the quotes from the band members. "We overdid it and couldn't stop it" or "a rock band isn't a church choir" is all they said.
Many fans also see it as "a normal part of the music business, it was part of the zeitgeist." - "It was absolutely hip to overdose. It was the Grunge-era, absolute nihilism was hip." And really, you have to see that Grunge didn't mean pain, suffering, drugs and being close to death. It didn't mean to die for your art. When these bands went on stage they only had one thing in mind: fun. Maybe a very egoistic and destructive kind of fun - but still fun.
But most fans see success as the main reason for why things got out of hand for the band. It seems as if they didn't know what to do after the huge success of Violator (or even after 101.) Well, I think there must also have been some other reasons as well for losing one's footing momentarily, even for a rock musician - a person with an extreme job, extraordinary lifestyle and the permanent temptation of alcohol and drugs. Dave especially shows nowadays that you are able to do this job without being an alcoholic or a junkie. And the "boys" weren't in the beginning of their 20s anymore, but family men turning 30, an age at which you would guess they were "mature and grown up".
So "I did it because everyone did it" would be a cheap alibi. Not only Dave wanted to "lead this egoistic lifestyle," as he admitted, the others wanted it too. If that had not been the case, they would have stopped it. I think Fletch had tried to, but it was difficult for him because of his illness. In the end only two people are left: Alan and Martin. What kind of "alibi" do they have?
Alan surprisingly said that he had had his fun. Although he didn't look like he had. In pictures and videos of that time he often looked morose and peeved. So what? Was it so awful that he finally couldn't take it anymore and left the band, or did he have his fun? Probably both things are correct. Working on a project there are always some things you enjoy and some things you don't like or even suffer from. A world tour is a special event on which you probably turn a blind eye to many things.
However - at least some fans assume that private problems could have made things worse, a "close to the 30s crises", no support from their families or real friends, no team-spirit within the band, a lack of communication - or as one fan said, "maybe they hoped they would forget their personal problems on tour, but it went 'Wrong'."
This is probably correct. As it has been mentioned before - they might have thought that the team-spirit would return and the problems might get solved.



Walking in my shoes

(Try walking in my shoes - with friendly permission of © Alatryste - Alatryste on Facebook)



Martin (according to the question how long it took until he found his way back to everyday life after Devotional): "I actually think it didn't take me very long. I got into some very bad habits on that tour. I was taking sleeping tablets every day and when I got home from the tour I still had a couple left and so it gave me a few days of good sleep ... sleep is a key to happiness." (laughs) "After that I ran out of those tablets and I was totally back to normal."[17]
Dave: "I didn't. I was functioning only with the use of drugs, without them I couldn't even move. I came back from the tour and I wasn't playing music and singing anymore but I really threw myself into using drugs."[18]
Fletch: "I was just so emotionally knackered after the tour and that's why I didn't do the last American leg. I think we just set ourselves too much of a target and I think we all suffered in different ways."[19]

And on the question whether they had kept their contact:
Martin: "Because Dave went back to America we didn't see him very often and we didn't speak on the phone very much, maybe not as much as we should have. We didn't speak to Alan at all even though he was living in London which we felt was quite strange and we were totally prepared for his decision to leave the band. We actually predicted that months and months before it happened. Andy I see all the time because we have the same group of friends and so if I'm in London I'm almost bound to bump into Andy at some point."[20]
Dave: "Not really. But no-one is to blame really, because the phone rings both ways. The only time that I heard anything from anyone was really if I was kind of hurting myself and it got in the press. Then I got a call from somebody, usually Martin or I'd call him. I got a call from Alan at one point when he decided he wanted to leave. But I didn't really react in any way to that because I was deeply into using drugs by then."[21]


trennlinie


While Martin married Suzanne in August, Alan separated from his wife Jeri and went on holiday with his new partner Hepzibah in the beginning of September, and was almost killed.
Alan: "I was in a remote part of Scotland driving on the A85 just beyond Lochearnhead. As I approached a sharp bend in the road, the sound of an Royal Air Force Tornado appeared behind me and as I looked up, I saw the underside of the aircraft above me. Within a split second to my complete astonishment, the plane had crashed beside the road into the Glen. As I swerved off the road onto a farm track, I heard the sound of the impact and witnessed an enormous explosion from which the smoke and debris almost engulfed me. At the same time, particles of carbon etc. began to 'rain' down onto the open-top car. Beyond the bend I witnessed the road full of the wreckage of the aircraft and the parts of dead airmen's bodies which were clearly visible in the road. After the police arrived I decided to leave the scene; there was nothing further to do. It was only at this point that I realised what an incredible escape I'd had. I would have surely been killed or worse, severely maimed, had I been 10 seconds further into my journey."[22]
The aircraft was on a routine training flight. It wasn't confirmed whether the exercise involved low-flying, but the area was frequently used for low-level training. When the Tornado crashed a crater was formed which Alan described in the song Black Box (released on the album Liquid in 2000) with, "Then we saw for the first time what had happened in the crater. We saw nothing but black ice covered with ash and then water with floating ice blocks and ash at the bottom."
Later Alan admitted he still had nightmares about this incident. "The thing that struck me was that such an instantaneous tragedy is immediately followed by the banality of continuing life. As two dead airmen were splattered across the road, the sun shone, the birds sang and no music played."[23]
It's possible this was another factor in his decision to leave the band. Events like these often show there are many more important things in life than making music with a difficult team.
(By the way - in 2013, he offered the car with which he had been on the road to Lochearnhead for sale.)

Meanwhile Dave lost control completely: "After the tour ended, I spent a few months in London and that's when my habit got completely out of hand. In fact, Teresa decided that she wanted to have a baby and I said to her, Teresa, we're junkies. Let's not kid ourselves, when you're a junkie, you can't s***, p***, c*** ... nothing. All these bodily functions go. You're in this soulless body, you're in a shell. But she didn't get it. And in L.A. I was so fucking paranoid, I carried a .38 at all times. I was scared of everything and everyone. I thought they were coming to get me. Whoever 'they' were. That was when I started toying with the idea of going out on a big one. Just shoot the big speedball to heaven. Disappear. Stop. I wanted to stop being myself, I wanted to stop living in this body. I hated myself that much, what I'd done to myself and everyone around me."
His condition got worse when his ex-wife Jo wouldn't let him see their son anymore.
"Usually, when Jack came out to visit me I'd been able to stop fixing for a while and keep it together. But it came to a point where I was so sick I rang my mother in England and said, 'Mum, Jack's due here in a couple of days and I've got terrible flu. I can't cope on my own, can you come over?' She came and I tried to do the whole thing - get up in the morning, make him his little egg, tried to be the dad."
But he took drugs again and overdosed one night. When he woke up, his mother and his son were in the kitchen - and his stuff was gone.
"I said, 'What did you do with my stuff, mum?' She said, 'I threw it in the rubbish outside.' I ran out the door and brought in six black bags. If you can picture this insanity, I'm with my son and my mother and I brought in six bags, five of which were my neighbours' and emptied them out on the kitchen floor. I was on my hands and knees going through other people's garbage until I found what I needed."

Now he couldn't deny it any longer. His mother rang up Joanne, who came and picked Jack up. Around Christmas Dave went into rehab for the first time.
"When I came out, Teresa met me. We went to get some lunch and she said, 'I'm not gonna stop drinking or using drugs just because you have to. I'll do whatever I want to do.'' At that point, I knew our relationship would have to be over if I was gonna have any chance. I'd thought we loved each other. Now I think the love was pretty one-sided. Actually, she soon left me to get her life together, as she put it. She always used to say to me, 'It's all about you, Dave - if only you could love yourself.' Well, that's come full circle now, because she's suing me for a ridiculous amount of money, claiming I'm responsible for her life."[24]
He soon reverted to his old habits. "I was then give the excuse to go out and get even more f*** up. My wife had left me, friends were disappearing and so I was left surrounded by a bunch of junkies. And I knew exactly what was going on - y'know, I had the money, I had the drugs and that's why they were around. I knew it, and that fuelled my anger even more. I didn't know whether I wanted to get clean. It was becoming very apparent that the party was gonna be over pretty soon. I was either gonna die or I was gonna get sober."[25]






References:
[1] The Singles 86-98 by Martin Gore, Bong 37, September 1998. Compiled by Michaela Olexova
[2] Just Can't Get Enough, Uncut, May 2001. Words: Stephen Dalton
[3] The Singles 86-98 by Martin Gore, Bong 37, September 1998. Compiled by Michaela Olexova
[4] recoil.co.uk
[5] Masters Of Their Universe, The Times, 3 May 2009, author unknown
[6] recoil.co.uk
[7] They Just Couldn't get Enough, Q, March 1997. Words: Phil Sutcliffe
[8] Modern Rock Live, 10 May 1994, a radioshow, DJ: Tom Calderone
[9] Future Unknown, L.A. Daily News, 21 May 1994. Words: Mark Brown
[10] recoil.co.uk
[11] Just Can't Get Enough, Uncut, May 2001. Words: Stephen Dalton
[12] Synth and Sensibilities, NME, 25 January 1997. Words: Keith Cameron
[13] recoil.co.uk
[14] recoil.co.uk
[15] Modern Rock Live, 10 May 1994, a radioshow, DJ: Tom Calderone
[16] Some dates and information about events on tour were taken from: Devotional Diary III, Bong 24, March 1995. Words: Daryl Bamonte
[17] Catching up with ... Martin, Bong 30, December 1996
[18] Catching up with ... Dave, Bong 30, December 1996
[19] Catching up with ... Fletch, Bong 30, December 1996
[20] Catching up with ... Martin, Bong 30, December 1996
[21] Catching up with ... Dave, Bong 30, December 1996
[22] Near Miss, Bong 22, September 1994. Words: Alan Wilder
[23] Just Can't Get Enough, Uncut, May 2001. Words: Stephen Dalton
[24] Tears of my Tracks, Q, March 1997. Words: Phil Sutcliffe
[25] Dead Man Talking, NME, 18 January 1997. Words: Keith Cameron



Biography: 1995

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