BIOGRAPHY1994
The last single of the album was In Your Room, released on 10 January.
The single version of In Your Room is the Zephyr Mix (remixed by Butch
Vig, additional guitars by Doug Erikson). It is radically different from the original
version on the album. Other versions of the songs are the Apex Mix (remixed
by Brian Eno and Markus Dravs), the Jeep Rock Mix (remixed by Johnny Dollar
and Portishead), the Extended Zephyr Mix and a live version. B-sides were the
Adrenaline Mix of Higher Love (remixed by François Kevorkian and Goh
Hotoda) and some live versions of other songs.
Martin: "The worst memory about In Your Room is the making of
the video. We spent a whole day in the studio filming and I probably had
lunch at some point, but it was just something really small, like half a
sandwich. We finished filming at about 8 o'clock, and went back to the hotel
and I forgot to eat. We went to the bar and I didn't eat ... We went out to a
club,[1] met some guy who gave me some stuff, so I was up all night until
probably 9 or 10 in the morning. We had a band meeting at 12 o'clock and I
managed to sleep for about an hour. Then I got up and I've never felt so
dreadful in my life. I managed to literally crawl to this meeting, I had to
lay on the floor just saying 'Yes' or 'No', that was all I could muster.[2]
And that was when I went into a seizure. So whenever I see this video, I just
think, 'Oh, God' ... It brings back terrible memories."[3]
As indicated in the articles of 1993, Martin had some seizures on tour
(he said it had been just two) as well as panic attacks.
The video for In Your Room wasn't broadcasted by MTV America because
of its BDSM reference. Furthermore, Anton Corbijn cut in scenes from former
videos because he thought it might be the last video with Dave. Obviously,
Corbijn was more familiar with drug abuse and its consequences and saw that
Dave was in a really bad condition.
Alan: "We would usually reach a consensus to form a short-list of potential singles. For example, Higher Love was on this list for the SOFAD singles but never made it and there were differences of opinion about in which order they should appear. Dave felt very strongly that Condemnation should have been the first single but he was out-voted. I wanted Walking in My Shoes as a second single and got my way but I really wanted the original version of In Your Room [instead of the Zephyr Mix]. This is all a good example of the problems of democracy - somebody usually ends up disappointed."[4]
I've been asked very often about the meaning of the lyrics of In Your Room.
This is a really difficult question. On the one hand, it's quite obvious. The
lyrics seem to have a BDSM reference. Your favourite slave is in the hands of
a person whose will is absolute. The point people are confused about is that
Martin said it is about sitting in a child's room. But there isn't any real
reference to it in the lyrics. For example "your burning eyes cause flames
to arise" doesn't suit a child at all.
Maybe Martin had the IDEA for this song while sitting on the bed of his eldest
daughter (who was a baby when he wrote the song), but the lyrics turned out
differently. Lines like "only you exist here" and "living on your
breath" might refer to a situation sitting on the bed of a child watching
it sleeping and breathing. In this moment all your concentration is focused on
the child. Maybe he connected this experience with a BDSM-situation which is
quite similar because the concentration of the "sub" (slave) is focused on the
"top" (master). He is watching every single move and is hanging on your words.
(In Your Room - with friendly permission of © Wojciech Welc)
On 9 February the next leg started, called "Exotic-Tour" this time.
Until 19 April the band played 28 concerts in South Africa, Australia,
Asia as well as Latin- and Southamerica.
Fletch: "That trip to South Africa was very memorable for us. We had all
of our rehearsals in Cape Town and were in the country for six weeks."[5]
But it wasn't a good trip on the whole.
In February Alan's wardrobe was stolen.
"Considering the building was securely locked and patrolled by guards, we
concluded that it must have been an 'inside job'. I lost about £10,000 worth of
clothing, some very personal bits and pieces and of course most of my stage
outfits which had to be re-made."
He himself had to have an operation to remove kidney stones in the same month.
There were different opinions about a second U.S. leg that introduced added
tension. Alan was one of those who were for this additional leg.
"The second leg should take in outdoor venues (sheds) which
attract a summer
crowd and are very different to the indoor arena shows. Actually, Dave also
wanted to do another leg and the others didn't object at the time."
Contradictory to the statements before and after Devotional that he had no
intention of touring anymore and to the rumours he wanted this second leg because
he knew it would be the last thing he would do with the band, he said,
"I didn't
think about it being the last time touring for me as I didn't decide to leave the
band until 18 months later."[6]
True, but he also said once that he had begun thinking about leaving the band
during the recording of SOFAD, respectively during Devotional, but as it
has been mentioned before it was probably on his mind for longer, although it
wasn't a real decision.
Allegedly Dave and Alan told Martin that they couldn't bear Fletch's depressions
any longer.
Martin: "It was very difficult. Andy's been my closest friend since we
were twelve. But, for the others, he'd become unbearable. I justified it by
thinking that it would be better for him if he went home and got professional
advice."
But Fletch also wanted to go home, having had enough of the tour. So in March
it was decided that Fletch would leave the tour, to be replaced on stage by
long-term friend and companion of the band, Daryl Bamonte.
Fletch: "With the targets, the deadlines, the partying, the excess,
I just lost it. I had an obsessive-compulsive disorder which made me displace
this stress into worries about bodily symptoms. This sounds terrible, but I
thought I had a brain tumour. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think, this
headache wouldn't go away. I had tests. It wasn't a brain tumour, it was a
breakdown."[7]
Allegedly Fletch left the tour saying he would never go on tour with Alan again.
This quotation isn't confirmed and it's not known if there was a special incident
to which he referred. Maybe it was just because of his illness. Maybe it was
because of some of Alan's cynical remarks.
Alan's later statement that "there are things that better never come to day-light"
according to a biography, might refer precisely to those arguments.
The others still tried to remain diplomatic. When asked how the band members
are, Dave replied, "Really good."
Some persistent questioning resulted in the admission "Andy will not be
playing with us for the rest of the tour. He's in New York at the moment.
He's not been feeling well and his wife's about to have their second baby
and he's got to sort some stuff out so he won't be doing it.[8]
Being away from the people you want to be with for a long while probably
had a lot to do with Fletch's feelings."[9]
(Fletch's and Grainne's son Joseph was born on 22 June.)
Alan: "While everyone else was sunning themselves on the beach and
enjoying a well-earned rest, Daryl and I spent a week cooped up in a hotel
room in Hawaii where I taught him the entire set. He subsequently played it
perfectly for the rest of the tour - pretty good eh, considering he'd hardly
ever played a keyboard before in his life."[10]
One could see this as a mocking remark at Fletch, and maybe this is an example
of those things that made Fletch feel that Alan was the one who was unbearable.
On 12 May the last leg of the tour started in Sacramento - without Fletch.
Altogether 34 concerts were played.
According to rumours, the relationships got worse and worse, and meetings ended
in scuffles (although the reasons are unknown). Further on, Dave, being totally
stoned, allegedly bit a journalist in the neck.
No rumours are that there were separate limousines and separate hotel floors.
Martin: "That was a practical necessity in case individual band members
threw raucous parties"[11] - like the Berlin aftershow party which ended in a
police raid and a ban from the Intercontinental hotel. - "We lost the plot. But
it's really difficult for us, at our level, to just decide to do a few key
dates around the world. I think those extra 30 to 40 gigs were the straw
that broke the camel's back." (laughs)
Fletch: "The intensity of the partying had gone to a new stage. It had
just been steadily getting worse and worse and worse and worse, until on that
tour in particular it was just one huge party. Every night. Martin says he
only went to bed early one time on the whole tour."
Martin: "About 12. You don't get offstage usually 'til 10.30, 11, so
to get to bed by 12 you've really achieved something there."[12]
Alan: "What people have heard about that tour is all pretty much true.
Everyone was indulging in their own thing, sometimes with destructive results
but it's all part of the private way you deal with such a bizarre and unreal
world. Of course, everybody was concerned about Dave's welfare but addicts are
notoriously difficult to dissuade from their cause unless they themselves
really want to change. At the time Dave wasn't in that frame of mind and
therefore any advice given to him fell on deaf ears. In spite of all these
things, there were loads of good moments too. Not only was it the most
successful tour with some of the best shows we'd ever played, but personally,
I can't see what all the fuss is about - I had a great time.
The myth that has been building up around the second U.S. leg of the Devotional
tour seems to be now fully out of control. It wasn't really any more 'rock 'n' roll'
than any other DM tour over the years - everyone had their own little 'on tour'
world which existed alongside a fully professionally run live show."[13]
Dave: "What we discovered was that we enjoyed playing together this time more than any
other time before. We pulled everything together and decided not to be so
separated on the stage. We wanted to get rid of some of the theatrics and be
less of a big, swamping show. I think now at the moment we're having a lot
of fun. I think we've been having more fun on stage this time then we've ever
had before. Everything seems a lot more organic and a lot more powerful."[14]
I don't think it was just a phrase. I think Devotional really had different facets -
the debauchery, the fun, the suffering, the tensions and the great and professional show.
(IF - Is simplicity best or simply the easiest ... Mit freundlicher Genehmigung von © Laura Bâlc)
Nevertheless, over the course of time Dave increasingly presented a picture of
misery when he danced or rather staggered over the stage, stoned and just being
skin and bones. But when you listen to bootlegs of the time, the concerts were
amazing. Some people say that Dave's voice suffered more and more from his drug
consumption, but I don't agree that it was really weak or broken. The set on
the Exotic-Tour was very dynamic and full of energy, with a lot of amazing,
dynamic live versions.
On 18 July 1994 the insanity reached an end, at least as far as the tour
was concerned. Whether Dave fell off the stage or wanted to do stage diving is
unclear, anyway he crashed against the barrier during the encore, breaking two
ribs and suffering internal bleeding. He was so stoned and drunk that it took
24 hours until he realised what had happened. He was told to stay in hospital
for a couple of days but he didn't want to. Instead, he and Theresa rented a
little hut at Tahoe Lake in California. It's almost funny that this happened
at the last planned concert, so no gig had to be cancelled because of it.
It's not known if the rest of the band was really aware of what had happened to
Dave. They enjoyed themselves with some last gig pranks -
Alan: "Jez Webb - the guitar tech. - emerged, to my surprise,
from the shell of the piano during Somebody. Another favourite was
when someone dressed as a cleaner came on stage and started sweeping the floor
- during a dramatic point in the show."
- and had "an end of tour party at St. Andrew's Hall in Detroit that was pretty
much on a par with the reputation the band had acquired (at least all the
standard Depeche Mode requirements were met - scantily-glad girls, erotic dancers,
Martin dressed as a woman)."[15][16]
As for the reasons how it could have come to this exaggerated excess (and especially
to the breakdown of all relationships), you'll find very little in the quotes
from the band members. "We overdid it and couldn't stop it" or "a rock band isn't
a church choir" is all they said.
Many fans also see it as "a normal part of the music business, it was part of
the zeitgeist." - "It was absolutely hip to overdose. It was the Grunge-era,
absolute nihilism was hip." And really, you have to see that Grunge didn't mean
pain, suffering, drugs and being close to death. It didn't mean to die for your
art. When these bands went on stage they only had one thing in mind: fun. Maybe
a very egoistic and destructive kind of fun - but still fun.
But most fans see success as the main reason for why things got out of hand
for the band. It seems as if they didn't know what to do after the huge success
of Violator (or even after 101.) Well, I think there must also have
been some other reasons as well for losing one's footing momentarily, even for
a rock musician - a person with an extreme job, extraordinary lifestyle and the
permanent temptation of alcohol and drugs. Dave especially shows nowadays that
you are able to do this job without being an alcoholic or a junkie. And the "boys"
weren't in the beginning of their 20s anymore, but family men turning 30, an age
at which you would guess they were "mature and grown up".
So "I did it because everyone did it" would be a cheap alibi. Not only Dave wanted
to "lead this egoistic lifestyle," as he admitted, the others wanted it too.
If that had not been the case, they would have stopped it. I think Fletch had
tried to, but it was difficult for him because of his illness. In the end only
two people are left: Alan and Martin. What kind of "alibi" do they have?
Alan surprisingly said that he had had his fun. Although he didn't look like
he had. In pictures and videos of that time he often looked morose and peeved.
So what? Was it so awful that he finally couldn't take it anymore and left the
band, or did he have his fun? Probably both things are correct. Working on a
project there are always some things you enjoy and some things you don't like
or even suffer from. A world tour is a special event on which you probably turn
a blind eye to many things.
However - at least some fans assume that private problems could have made things
worse, a "close to the 30s crises", no support from their families or real friends,
no team-spirit within the band, a lack of communication - or as one fan said,
"maybe they hoped they would forget their personal problems on tour, but it
went 'Wrong'."
This is probably correct. As it has been mentioned before - they might have thought
that the team-spirit would return and the problems might get solved.
(Try walking in my shoes - with friendly permission of © Alatryste - Alatryste on Facebook)
Martin (according to the question how long it took until he
found his way back to everyday life after Devotional):
"I actually think it didn't take me very long. I got into some very bad
habits on that tour. I was taking sleeping tablets every day and when I got
home from the tour I still had a couple left and so it gave me a few days
of good sleep ... sleep is a key to happiness." (laughs) "After that I ran
out of those tablets and I was totally back to normal."[17]
Dave: "I didn't. I was functioning only with the use of drugs,
without them I couldn't even move. I came back from the tour and I wasn't
playing music and singing anymore but I really threw myself into using drugs."[18]
Fletch: "I was just so emotionally knackered after the tour and that's
why I didn't do the last American leg. I think we just set ourselves too much
of a target and I think we all suffered in different ways."[19]
And on the question whether they had kept their contact:
Martin: "Because Dave went back to America we didn't see him very
often and we didn't speak on the phone very much, maybe not as much as we
should have. We didn't speak to Alan at all even though he was living in
London which we felt was quite strange and we were totally prepared for his
decision to leave the band. We actually predicted that months and months
before it happened. Andy I see all the time because we have the same group
of friends and so if I'm in London I'm almost bound to bump into Andy at
some point."[20]
Dave: "Not really. But no-one is to blame really, because the phone
rings both ways. The only time that I heard anything from anyone was really
if I was kind of hurting myself and it got in the press. Then I got a call
from somebody, usually Martin or I'd call him. I got a call from Alan at
one point when he decided he wanted to leave. But I didn't really react in
any way to that because I was deeply into using drugs by then."[21]
While Martin married Suzanne in August, Alan separated from his wife Jeri
and went on holiday with his new partner Hepzibah in the beginning of September,
and was almost killed.
Alan: "I was in a remote part of Scotland driving on the A85 just
beyond Lochearnhead. As I approached a sharp bend in the road, the sound of
an Royal Air Force Tornado appeared behind me and as I looked up, I saw the underside
of the aircraft above me. Within a split second to my complete astonishment,
the plane had crashed beside the road into the Glen. As I swerved off the
road onto a farm track, I heard the sound of the impact and witnessed an
enormous explosion from which the smoke and debris almost engulfed me. At
the same time, particles of carbon etc. began to 'rain' down onto the open-top
car. Beyond the bend I witnessed the road full of the wreckage of the aircraft
and the parts of dead airmen's bodies which were clearly visible in the road.
After the police arrived I decided to leave the scene; there was nothing further
to do. It was only at this point that I realised what an incredible escape
I'd had. I would have surely been killed or worse, severely maimed, had I been
10 seconds further into my journey."[22]
The aircraft was on a routine training flight. It wasn't confirmed whether the
exercise involved low-flying, but the area was frequently used for low-level
training. When the Tornado crashed a crater was formed which Alan described in
the song Black Box (released on the album Liquid in 2000)
with, "Then we saw for the first time what had happened in the crater. We saw
nothing but black ice covered with ash and then water with floating ice blocks
and ash at the bottom."
Later Alan admitted he still had nightmares about this incident. "The thing that
struck me was that such an instantaneous tragedy is immediately followed by
the banality of continuing life. As two dead airmen were splattered across
the road, the sun shone, the birds sang and no music played."[23]
It's possible this was another factor in his decision to leave the band. Events
like these often show there are many more important things in life than making
music with a difficult team.
(By the way - in 2013, he offered the car with which he had been on the
road to Lochearnhead for sale.)
Meanwhile Dave lost control completely: "After the tour ended, I
spent a few months in London and that's when my habit got completely out of
hand. In fact, Teresa decided that she wanted to have a baby and I said to
her, Teresa, we're junkies. Let's not kid ourselves, when you're a junkie,
you can't s***, p***, c*** ... nothing. All these bodily functions go. You're
in this soulless body, you're in a shell. But she didn't get it. And in
L.A. I was so fucking paranoid, I carried a .38 at all times. I was scared
of everything and everyone. I thought they were coming to get me. Whoever 'they'
were. That was when I started toying with the idea of going out on a big one.
Just shoot the big speedball to heaven. Disappear. Stop. I wanted to stop
being myself, I wanted to stop living in this body. I hated myself that much,
what I'd done to myself and everyone around me."
His condition got worse when his ex-wife Jo wouldn't let him see their son anymore.
"Usually, when Jack came out to visit me I'd been able to stop fixing for a
while and keep it together. But it came to a point where I was so sick I rang
my mother in England and said, 'Mum, Jack's due here in a couple of days and
I've got terrible flu. I can't cope on my own, can you come over?' She came
and I tried to do the whole thing - get up in the morning, make him his
little egg, tried to be the dad."
But he took drugs again and overdosed one night. When he woke up, his
mother and his son were in the kitchen - and his stuff was gone.
"I said, 'What did you do with my stuff, mum?' She said, 'I threw it in the
rubbish outside.' I ran out the door and brought in six black bags. If you
can picture this insanity, I'm with my son and my mother and I brought in six
bags, five of which were my neighbours' and emptied them out on the kitchen
floor. I was on my hands and knees going through other people's garbage until
I found what I needed."
Now he couldn't deny it any longer. His mother rang up Joanne, who came and picked
Jack up. Around Christmas Dave went into rehab for the first time.
"When I came out, Teresa met me. We went to get some lunch and she said,
'I'm not gonna stop drinking or using drugs just because you have to.
I'll do whatever I want to do.'' At that point, I knew our relationship would
have to be over if I was gonna have any chance. I'd thought we loved each
other. Now I think the love was pretty one-sided. Actually, she soon left
me to get her life together, as she put it. She always used to say to me,
'It's all about you, Dave - if only you could love yourself.' Well, that's
come full circle now, because she's suing me for a ridiculous amount of
money, claiming I'm responsible for her life."[24]
He soon reverted to his old habits. "I was then give the excuse to go out
and get even more f*** up. My wife had left me, friends were disappearing
and so I was left surrounded by a bunch of junkies. And I knew exactly
what was going on - y'know, I had the money, I had the drugs and that's
why they were around. I knew it, and that fuelled my anger even more.
I didn't know whether I wanted to get clean. It was becoming very apparent
that the party was gonna be over pretty soon. I was either gonna die or I
was gonna get sober."[25]
References:
[1] The Singles 86-98 by Martin Gore, Bong 37, September 1998. Compiled by Michaela Olexova
[2] Just Can't Get Enough, Uncut, May 2001. Words: Stephen Dalton
[3] The Singles 86-98 by Martin Gore, Bong 37, September 1998. Compiled by Michaela Olexova
[4] recoil.co.uk
[5] Masters Of Their Universe, The Times, 3 May 2009, author unknown
[6] recoil.co.uk
[7] They Just Couldn't get Enough, Q, March 1997. Words: Phil Sutcliffe
[8] Modern Rock Live, 10 May 1994, a radioshow, DJ: Tom Calderone
[9] Future Unknown, L.A. Daily News, 21 May 1994. Words: Mark Brown
[10] recoil.co.uk
[11] Just Can't Get Enough, Uncut, May 2001. Words: Stephen Dalton
[12] Synth and Sensibilities, NME, 25 January 1997. Words: Keith Cameron
[13] recoil.co.uk
[14] recoil.co.uk
[15] Modern Rock Live, 10 May 1994, a radioshow, DJ: Tom Calderone
[16] Some dates and information about events on tour were taken from: Devotional Diary III, Bong 24, March 1995. Words: Daryl Bamonte
[17] Catching up with ... Martin, Bong 30, December 1996
[18] Catching up with ... Dave, Bong 30, December 1996
[19] Catching up with ... Fletch, Bong 30, December 1996
[20] Catching up with ... Martin, Bong 30, December 1996
[21] Catching up with ... Dave, Bong 30, December 1996
[22] Near Miss, Bong 22, September 1994. Words: Alan Wilder
[23] Just Can't Get Enough, Uncut, May 2001. Words: Stephen Dalton
[24] Tears of my Tracks, Q, March 1997. Words: Phil Sutcliffe
[25] Dead Man Talking, NME, 18 January 1997. Words: Keith Cameron
